Blood Test

Tomorrow I have to go give blood. Thankfully I get to do that here so we save a day of driving. They will be able to know tomorrow if the medicine worked (made me ovulate - not pregnant). We need prayer. I do not think we will get results until Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday) but I really need this test to give us good news. This was without a doubt the hardest month on both of us. The medicine made me absolutely miserable. So please pray, right now I am not sure if we are strong enough to hear the news that it didn't work....AGAIN.
Today I have not been able to stop thinking about all of this. Even though fertility consumes us on so many levels, a lot of the times I can be busy enough at work that I can turn it off as much as possible. Today that was impossible. All I kept thinking about is how if it didn't work that I don't think I can go through this again. I don't want to so bad. I have a quitter mentality today - which is not me at all - I am soooo hard headed (ask my husband!!!). Finally something snapped and instead of feeling sorry for me I had another thought.
I thought about our future baby. Sometimes I get so consumed with us and our problems that I forget the vision. I thought about how much we already love it. I thought about if it was to write us a note right now what would it say. This is what I think it would say:

Why are you crying? You spend a lot of time crying lately, please stop it because I hate being the reason you are sad. I don't need you to waste time feeling depressed or unhappy. I plan on coming when the time is right. Until then, I need you to be strong for each other. I need you to keep planning for me and all the things we will do together. Stop blaming yourself, it isn't about you. I need you to be happy and to have faith in God - because when you see me you will believe in miracles again. I am coming, at the most perfect time for me to come. You will not regret all the time, effort, and money you have put into trying to have me - I am worth it. God has already chosen me for you and I cannot wait to meet you either. Please be patient though, God hasn't finished preparing you for me.

Maybe it is just me trying to find something to give me peace. If so then I am ok with that. But I really do believe that maybe the reason we have went through all of this is because God still has a few more things to teach us before he entrusts us with another life. Of course I want to scream at Him to hurry up and do a quick lesson, but if by waiting and being patient and having faith will help us be better parents in the future, then it is hard to be anything other than thankful for this time.

Thank you for the prayers and patiences with me the past few weeks (if you were unlucky enough to deal with the emotional roller coster!) Please keep praying!