Nursery

We have been working on the nursery the past month. Justin has worked so hard remodeling the room. He started by replacing all the trim. I didn't realize how much trim can make a room look better until he did it! He also replaced a fan, refinished the window sill and painted all the walls. Instead of just doing 1 color we decided to be a little creative since our bedding has multiple colors in it. Working with some friends he came up with the square idea. He measured off and taped these squares so that they would be perfect - and I promise you he has them PERFECT! They look sooooo neat!

Our room had an old weird looking fan so we knew we wanted to replace it. We found this one and it is perfect. It is smaller than a regular fan so it almost looks like it is suppose to go in a baby room!
Last week all of our furniture that we ordered came in. Here is how it looked when he started.
He was so excited to get to work. He is really good at this kind of stuff. Notice the dresser in the background already finished. Now he is working on the changer/hutch combo.

And here it is a little while later all finished!
Here is a picture of the crib and the changer/hutch all put together.
Here is a closer look at our bedding. It has a few colors of blue and brown in it. Very simply and cute!
Here is a picture of the whole room. It is hard to get a good angle where you can see it all. We still haven't got curtains or decorations so this is just the remodeled room with furniture and bedding in it.
I couldn't leave off a picture of our little man's closet! We went on vacation a few weeks ago and found so many outlet sales. I think he is a little spoiled already but it was so fun to get to buy stuff for him! The vacation was our last big one just the 2 of us and it really ended up being all about getting him stuff!

I am so proud of the nursery. I love the fact that Justin took so much pride in it and remodeled it so that it looked nice for our little man. As we were hanging up all the clothes it was so crazy to imagine that in just 18 weeks we will have a little boy to dress in these clothes. We are so excited and blessed!

Update on our Little Man

Today we had another doctor appointment to see our little man. He was very active and stubborn and would not show us his face! He had it buried into my back and would not turn over. The ultrasound was about 15 minutes long and he moved his arms and legs the ENTIRE time. Once again the ultrasound tech told us how active he is. I would say he is taking after his father, but we all know who is calm and who is high strung in this relationship! He had no problem showing us his boy parts and how good he has gotten at kicking, but we did not get a good picture of that sweet little face which is a little disappointing!
The wonderful news is he is developing perfect. He was actually measuring a week ahead of my due date. He weighs 9 oz (normal for how far along I am is 5-7oz). Justin was a big baby (9lbs 4oz) so he may just be taking after his daddy!
Our last appointment we had the Down Syndrome test and the Gestational Diabetes test. Both came back normal. She said I hadn't gained hardly any weight since we last saw her so she expects me to gain this next month. I am surprised I haven't gained because he has really made me start pooching out!!! Thank goodness for maternity clothes!
Also since the last time I posted we had a little scare. About a week and a half ago I started bleeding. It was on a Sunday so we ended up making a trip to the ER out of fear. Everything turned out okay even though the ER visit scared us more because they basically said it may be a miscarriage and only time will tell. We did call our dr the next morning and she was out for a few days but talked to her on-call doctor and he took my worries away and said I was not having a miscarriage. Basically what the ER doctor told us is what what would be true of someone early in pregnancy, but considering how far along I was the symptoms would be different for a miscarriage.
Today at our appointment she said she hadn't heard about my bleeding (which we were surprised about). You could tell it bothered her. She checked me out and made sure things looked okay today and they did. The other doctor had told me I could bleed a lot more than I did before I called anyone out of concern but she advised us different today. She said any amount of blood I need to call her because she wants to know and if it is a weekend I need to go to the ER in Lawton. She wasn't trying to scare us but wants us to be near her if something happens. She is OVERLY cautious with me, but with how nervous we get at every little thing because of what we went through, I like her being cautious. She isn't going to treat us how most doctors would treat normal patients, she is trained to be on high alert at all times. She gave me restrictions for the next few weeks just to make sure the bleeding doesn't start back.
We are really liking Dr. Lennon. She is very good at what she does and you can tell she knows what she is doing. It is easy to trust her and I really like that fact. I still miss OU and Dr. Craig but I really think God placed us with Dr. Lennon for a reason.
Even though we didn't get many good pictures today, I cannot write a blog without sharing one! I think the only picture appropriate for today would be a picture of him kicking since that is what he does all the time! So here is his foot in the air during a kick.




Have you ever seen such a cute little leg/foot?
I cannot feel these kicks yet but should within the next few weeks. As she was listening to his heart on the doppler she heard him kick. She was surprised I didn't feel it because of the force in the sound! It may be a painful few months when I start feeling this little guy kicking!!!

That is all the update for now. For the first time in a LONG time we do not have another appointment for a full month! Not sure what life is like without seeing a doctor more often but we are soooo grateful to be at this point. In the meantime we(meaning Justin doing all the hard stuff and me buying all the cute stuff!) are working on his nursery and I bet the next update will be about that!

J & M

Watching Him Grow

There are many things that are hard about going through infertility. Lately though we have been able to see some cool things. When you go through fertility you are on such high alert that you get to see your baby early. I thought I would share some of these cool/priceless pictures so that you can see the miracle that we have been able to see.

This first picture is what they gave us on our transfer day. This is a picture of two 6 day old embryos. They did place both in me and only 1 - our miracle boy - made it. I know this just looks like a picture of cells but knowing that is our baby 6 days after conception takes my breath away.

This next picture is our first appointment after we got 2 positive blood tests. This is our little man at 7 weeks. You can't really tell anything other than something is in there and we could hear a sweet little heartbeat.




This next picture is only 2 weeks later. So this is the little guy at 9 weeks. If you look hard you can tell where his head, arms and legs are. Just to help - his legs are closest to the words. At this appointment we saw him kick those tiny legs for the first time!

This next picture is a little small. You can click each picture and it will make it bigger if you can't see as well.
This is our little boy at 12 weeks, just 3 weeks after the last one. You can see his profile in the first one and his legs and feet in the second one. He kicked almost the whole time we watched him this day. He has been an active little guy from the beginning.

This last one is what I posted on the previous post. This is him at 15 weeks - just 3 weeks after the last picture. You can see his nose and mouth and body defined. This is from the appointment where we found out he is a boy.

Scroll back up and just look at the pictures. In just 15 weeks he went from a group of cells to a handsome and defined little guy. Seeing this unfold is like getting a front seat to see a miracle that God is making.

I hope you each remember that you are a miracle too that God made to do great things for Him!

Love you all!

Update and surprise!

It has been a while since I updated. I want to continue this blog now that happy things are going on!!!

Well first off we did get released from our fertility specialist early on in July. That was for sure bitter sweet. We love those people so much and it is hard to leave the security of their care.
When we came back to my regular OBGYN we found out that she is retiring in December. Since I am due in January she had to refer me to another doctor. That was nerve racking because I wanted the security of my doctor I have had for so long.
She referred me to Dr. Carol Lennon who is the high risk specialist at MMH(Lawton OBGYN). I am not high risk necessarily, everything is going smooth so far but with our history it is nice knowing we are in her care.

Today was our first appointment meeting her. We could tell immediately she was a high risk specialist because of how much information she wanted!!! After a good appointment meeting and talking with her (and hearing the heartbeat) she sent us over to do some testing. I wasn't planning on doing the Gestational Diabetes test today - that is usually done later on - but since our infertility came from my PCOS and PCOS patients are at the highest risk for it she wanted to know immediately if that is something we are facing. We will know the result of that in about a week.

We did get to find out a secret today! We found out the sex of our baby. So now instead of Baby Smith we can all call it.....
Baby BOY Smith!!!
We are PUMPED that it is a boy and cannot wait to start buying things and preparing for his arrival. Before you ask if we have a name I do want to be up front with everyone and tell you that Justin and I have decided that we want to keep that between us until his birth. It will add a little surprise factor and give us time to nail down exactly what we want. We are not trying to be 'little turkeys' by keeping this between us, just is a decision we made a long time ago.

So now what you really want - pictures!
Here is his handsome profile.

Here is him showing us that he is for sure a Boy!

And here are his cute little feet!




We are sooooo excited today. I think we have been so reserved and nervous that we have not felt the full excitement that this baby has brought. Today seeing him and knowing it is him has really helped us get a little more brave with our excitement and see how real this is. I cannot believe we are at this point. We are blessed beyond words. God is good!

J&M

Our News

This is the napkin that we used at out 4th of July family cookout to announce our news. I know you will be surprised by the fact that I am 11 weeks pregnant and wondering what in the world happened since I last posted. Here is the story.

We secretly started back doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET cycle) at the start of April. This required me to wear 4 estrogen patches a day and also take a shot that suppressed my body. We had to go up for a few appointments, but this process was so much different. The estrogen patches were SUPER strong and messed with my hormones a lot, but just not having to live in the city and go through the pain of growing all those eggs was a relief.

On May 2nd they decided my body was ready to go so we started some different shots (That big progesterone one) and we scheduled the transfer for May 9th. They defrosted 2 embryos and thankfully God allowed them both to make it through the freeze. This transfer only took about 10 minutes. Without that polyp it was the easiest procedure ever. We were out of there and on our way home quick. I took the next few days off and was on bed rest to let my body relax and allow them a chance to attach themselves.

One week later on May 16th the most surreal thing happened to us. We bought a pregnancy test and were both there as it came back a very strong pregnant line. We also bought a digital test and it came back quickly saying pregnant. We have seen lots of negative tests over the past few years so seeing a positive was weird for us. It was hard to believe. That night we just cried in awe of the blessing. We knew we had a long road ahead so we had to be careful being too excited but we rejoiced.

On May 18th I had blood drawn and my HCG level came back at a 201.9. They want it to be between 50-100 so they told us that is could be twins but either way that is a good strong level to start with. Two days later I had it drawn again and it more than doubled which is what it is supposed to do.

We had our first ultrasound appointment on June 9th. We found out that I am carrying 1 little baby. This was bitter sweet because that means 1 of our embryos didn’t make it. We got to hear a very strong heartbeat and it was developing perfect. June 9th brought our rate of miscarriage down to less than 10 percent.

On June 23rd we got to hear the heartbeat again. It had grown exactly as it should and she even used the words everything is looking perfect. I told her we have never heard her say that referring to my body! We go to see its little arms and legs wiggling around – very neat. This time by hearing it our chance of miscarriage then dropped to less than 3 percent.

We have been doing shots since the start of April. We started the big progesterone shots at the start of May along with wearing 4 estrogen patches a day since mid-April. As of June 29th, I got to stop both of those. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be done with those. They were one of my biggest struggles.

I have been very sick. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am shooting so much medicine into my body along with the pregnancy hormones. She gave me some things to help and it has been a day by day (or hour by hour) thing. Since finding out I’m pregnant I have lost 12 pounds because of the sickness. It has been the hardest thing to get through and it made doing shots and patches even harder because it just kept the sickness going.

I have also lived in a bubble since May 9th. Until my first ultrasound I was on high alert. Basically I could go to work, but needed to come home and rest when I got finished. I had to limit how active I was each day to help keep this baby. That was really hard when no one knew. I had feelings of a prisoner in my home a few times especially as I was sick, but it was part of it and I knew it was worth it. We had one miscarriage scare that thankfully turned out good. It actually ended up keeping us more guarded because you just never know what is going to happen.
We are so excited and blessed to be posting this news. We have wanted to share since the day we got our positive test but knew that for our sake and for your sake we needed to wait. Last time was so hard for us and for others that we wanted to spare the pain if it didn’t work. When you feel as much joy as we have been feeling it hard not to shout it off the rooftop, but we are grateful that we can come to you and tell you at this point knowing that we are in a good spot in our pregnancy. Things could still happen of course, God is in control, but we have a peace to share. Also, I probably won’t be able to hide it too much longer! :)

Thank you for prayers. I hope you have been encouraged somehow through this journey. Each of your kind words, understanding hearts and prayers have lifted us up so much. We hope we are able to pass that on to others who are struggling through journeys that they do not understand. God is strong when we are weak and He has taught us more about Him in the past 2 and a half years then I ever thought was possible. As hard as it has been, it is hard to be anything but grateful for this journey and for the lessons we have learned. Justin and I have grown closer than I ever thought two people could be during these struggles and he is my reminder that God has the best things in store for my life. The best gift I could ever give my child is him as their daddy. He already is amazing and is my biggest blessing from God.

To God be all the glory!

J&M

Surgery time

Hey everyone! Tomorrow (3/15) I have my cervical polyp removal surgery. I had the pre-op appointment on Monday and found out that it will not just be light anesthesia, but the full general anesthesia (tube down throat and all). This makes me a little more nervous than I already am, but I know it will be ok. I will be down for the rest of the week so today basically marks my last day of spring break. That stinks for all of the lazy/fun reasons of a break I am going to miss, but am so grateful that I am not having to miss multiple days of work for this surgery!
Please keep me, Justin and Dr. Craig in your prayers tomorrow. She is not only going to remove the polyp but is going to go into my uterus and just triple check that everything is ok there. Justin - the hospital is referring to him as my 'responsible party' - will be taking good care of me. He is always so wonderful when I am sick so I know I will be in great hands!
Thank you for the prayers!

Recovering

I know that by sharing this journey it has made everyone that follows this blog interested in what is happening and what is going to happen in the future. Sometimes sharing has made it hard but we really feel like if God is going to use our journey to help others, the first step is for us to share. This is a very hard post to write.

The last post I made was about our crazy back and forth schedule during the IVF process. So I think it would be best for me to pick up where I left off.

After my last post we had 4 more days of appointments and then the egg retrieval happened on Saturday the 5th. This process involves me being put under anesthesia and they go into my ovaries with a needle and poke each follicle (remember I had almost 20 in each side) and get the egg out of the follicle. This only took about 45 minutes and I woke up in a pretty good amount of pain. Most women have about 10-15 eggs retrieved TOPS, but I had 39 which is because of my age and the fact that I have PCOS (I asked if I broke the record but I didn’t!). Being that many eggs kept my chances of Ovarian Hyper stimulation up because there is fluid from each follicle that is still in the ovaries. Basically after the procedure I had to ‘recover’ for about an hour until they could get the pain under control and then they released me. I got in the car, knocked out and woke up when he told me we were home. We had planned on staying up there, but I wanted to be in my own bed when I felt bad so he made that happen. He said on the way home every bump he hit I would wake up and say ouch. I don’t remember much.

The next few days were hard. I felt like I had literally been cut open in my lower tummy. I could not walk standing straight up because of how bad it hurt (my enlarged ovaries). I had to urinate every 15 minutes and it drove me crazy. We did figure out later that the reason for that was because my ovaries were so large that they were pressing on my bladder and I was getting rid of all of the fluid from the IV.
They call you with an update of your eggs (now embryos) daily. By Sunday, just a day after the procedure, we had 21 that had been fertilized. We knew all 39 weren’t mature enough to fertilize, but they remove them so that you don’t get really sick. Leaving them would have caused me to overstimulated more which would have required a hospital stay. They were the eggs that weren’t meant to make it.

I attempted work on Monday and actually made it all day. I was in so much pain from pushing myself that if I could change something that is one of the things I would change. I felt better mentally because I got some things off my pending to do list but I am not sure it was the best time to do that. We got a call on Monday the 7th saying that they wanted to do the transfer on Tuesday the 8th. Basically this is a procedure that we had a practice run of back in December and it takes about 10 minutes to put the eggs back in. I am not under any anesthesia, it isn’t a big deal. Or it least it wasn’t then.

Of course we break the mold on everything so the transfer wasn’t what we expected. Our practice run had gone smooth a few weeks earlier, but I had since had a polyp grow on my cervix. This was from the fertility meds that we took during the process. Not everyone develops these from the meds, but my levels would go down than triple the next day because my body was being hard headed. The problem was that it wasn’t just a small polyp that many women get, it was huge and it took them about 55 minutes to do the 10 minute procedure. Basically they had to get through the polyp because it was blocking the entrance to my uterus. After what I now call the most traumatic/painful part of the process was done, Justin and I got to watch as 2 beautiful embryos were placed in me. It was emotional and surreal. Our 2 best babies had been placed in me, now it was my turn to take care of them.

Now the wait began. I did have to have a Progesterone shot every night to help my uterine lining. If you want to see a BIG needle, go to youtube and type in PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shot. Knowing that it was helping keep those2 embryos in me though made the pain ok. Unfortunately this shot gave you all the normal feelings of a pregnant woman. It is the actual hormone that makes you feel all of those feelings and I was shooting a good amount into me. That really messes with your head!

On Tuesday the 15th, 1 week after the transfer I started to spot. Not much, but enough to have me call my nurse because I was on edge about everything abnormal. They were not concerned since it was just a little bit of blood and said it is actually normal. It continued to be a small amount until I woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday night/Thursday morning and at this point it was a lot of fresh blood. I let Thursday play out some to see if it would slow down but I sent my nurse an e-mail. After a meeting at 1:00 I got a call asking me to go ahead and come up. We were not supposed to do a pregnancy test until Monday but they wanted to do that and check my progesterone levels. They upped my progesterone that night.

So Friday the 18th we had an appointment that morning. All they did was take blood. They did not do an exam in case it was my polyp bleeding, they didn’t want to make it bleed more. Basically if it was what we feared it was, there was nothing that can be done. We came back home and waited on the call. Usually if my nurse calls me, she calls me as soon as they get results, but if my doctor wants to talk to me it usually takes a little longer. It was taking a little longer. It really isn’t abnormal for Dr. Craig to call me because she feels very connected to us and has been the one to call us multiple times, but I wanted my nurse to call so that I knew it was no big deal. I got the call and it was Dr. Craig on the phone. I told her I knew it was a bad thing if she was calling, and she said she would have grabbed our folder either way but yes it wasn’t good. It didn’t work. She cried with me on the phone for about 15 minutes as we just processed. She explained what the next step would be when we are ready.

So that is where we are at. I know your question after all of this is what is the next step? Well first I have to have surgery to remove the polyp. She wants it gone before we do another transfer. The polyp doesn’t affect anything pregnancy related, just causes pain when doing the transfer procedure. It is too large to remove in office so it is one we have to schedule a surgery day where they put me under anesthesia.

Thankfully we had 6 embryos (other than the ones they put in me) that were good quality (13 of them stopped growing, which is normal). We ‘froze’ those 6 so that they can be used at a later date. Having those frozen means we do not have to go through all of the IVF again. Basically I will have to take some shots, but nothing like before, and only go up there a handful of times. Once they think my body is in the place it can handle it, they transfer a few of the frozen embryos into me.

My question is just like yours – why in the world would we think it would work next time. Her reply was simple and practical. Basically there is no “reason” that it didn’t work, she cannot find anything wrong other than the ovulation in me and we got over that using the egg retrieval. She said that sometimes though, our body is so unnaturally hormonal from the IVF procedure that our bodies reject the eggs. She said that when patients with my history go through a frozen cycle (FET) that they have very good results because their body is more in the ‘normal’ state. If you know me, you know I am a realist, and this was the only thing that has comforted me.

My body is going back to the “Pre-IVF” form. My ovaries had gotten SOOOOO large that it was miserable. In the past week and a half I have lost 8 pounds. It was pure water weight from all of the fluid in my ovaries. I am finally being able to sleep more than an hour at a time without having to get up to use the restroom. I guess these are both good things to be thankful for.

So that is the story. To say that Justin and I are sad is an understatement. We are devastated. We believe life starts at conception and conception started the day of the egg retrieval. These babies were very real and we very much feel like we lost 2 children. Our doctor gave us a picture of them on the day of the transfer and it was so crazy how instantly attached we felt. Of course I feel an extra burden because it was my body that rejected them. Every day it is a struggle to not be an emotional wreck. I think we are also both in shock. That was the hardest 6 weeks we have had in our entire life. We felt like we were tested in every way possible. We just cannot believe it didn’t work. We always had IVF in our back pocket, knowing if everything else failed, that would work. We were wrong and it hurts.

We will be ok. We are fighters and we are believers that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. We don’t think we are as strong as He thinks we are though. Right now we are just trying to make it day by day. That is all we really know how to do. There is no rule book on what to do in these situations. We just have to trust God and allow him to comfort us. As the song says, sometimes he calms the storms but other times he calms his child. Keep us in your prayers.

J&M