Not for the weak at heart

We have gotten a lot of questions lately about what has been going on and I know I have been horrible about keeping this up so that everyone can follow us on this journey.
Really this month has consisted in lots of waiting. That is a good thing because it has been a busy month at work which has in turn made me not as impatient to start.
On the 23rd we had my pre-IVF workup. They did a practice transfer so they could measure how far they will need to go in and place the eggs when it is time. They also did a saline sonogram (OUCH!) to make sure I didn't have any abnormal cysts or growths that would cause a problem. If they would have found some I would have had to have surgery to remove them before we could proceed so that was a sigh of relief. They also did shot teaching. They basically showed us all the different shots I was going to have to give myself and they taught both Justin and I how to give them. It was overwhelming to say the least. All in all it was a good appointment. We had lots of time to talk to our IVF nurse and Dr. Craig. Our nurse has been wonderful - she even gave me her e-mail address so that I can e-mail her every time I have a question - bless her heart! I have never been around kinder people. They are so encouraging and patient with our nerves.
On January 3rd we have an appointment for Justin's pre-IVF workup. His is nothing like mine - not painful at all which isn't fair and I keep reminding him! ;) After that appointment we have finished all of our pre-workups.
We received the package of shots today. They do not sell this stuff at normal pharmacies so you have to order it through the clinic and they go through a fertility place. When we opened the box I think our hearts dropped seeing it all. This is what we opened:

This is everything

These are just the packs of needles

This is the refrigerated bag for some of it. It has to be kept cold.

This is a visual so you can tell the size of the needles.

We will start using those on January 9th. I will be taking shots for the next few months. We don't have another appointment until January 20th and we will know more about the next step then. The crazy thing about all of this is that even though we know the process, we will not know everything WE have to do until it gets here. Everyone is different and she said it is a day by day thing. She said it could be to the point of being there every other day for a little bit because she wants to make sure I am ok. There are so many dates on our crazy calendar that they gave us that are 'possible' appointment days. We will not know if we need to be there until at the most 24 hours before during some of the parts.

We are very stressed and nervous about what we are fixing to endure but we are so very hopeful and grateful to be starting this leg of the journey.

Keep us in your prayers my friends! Also say a special prayer that no injuries are caused by passing out from needles! :)

J & M

Here we go...

Well friends it has been a while since I have posted.
Last time you heard from me on here we were about to try a new drug called Femara. It works a lot like Clomid, just different enough that it works for lots of people who do not have success with Clomid. We tried that and it didn’t work for us.

So at the start of November we met with our wonderful Doctor. After discussing all of our options we decided to go ahead and start InVitro Fertilization (IVF). This was not a decision we came by lightly, it was after lots of prayers and research and really discussing other options with our doctor. Even though this is a very expensive procedure, our chances are the best with it and the chances of lots of multiples are less with it which in turn makes it safer for us.

We will not be doing this until February. We have some ‘pre-ivf’ procedures and tests that we have to do first and then it is a process to begin.
I will explain a little bit on what will happen.
1. She put me on birth control. (I know, I thought it was funny too that a fertility doctor prescribed birth control!) This will ‘turn off’ my body even though it really wasn’t working to begin with. This will allow her to be able to give me medicine to make me do things she needs my body to do at different times.
2. The first week in January we will start taking shots. This is a scary part. I will have to be administering my own shots. We will start out with 1 a day but will get to 3 a day. The shots basically make me have lots of eggs developing.
3. Next we will go to her for the egg retrieval (February). They will put me under anesthesia and go in and get lots of these developed eggs. She will then combine them with his sperm and put them in an incubator that reflects my body for 3-5 days.
4. Whichever day – between day 3 and 5 – the eggs look mature we will schedule the implantation. Lots of the eggs she removes will die off – just like they would during a period. Some just aren’t made to develop into a baby. She will be able to grade them and she knows what grade has a chance of making it and which ones will end up in miscarriage for sure. (Even the high grade ones can end in miscarriage though, and your chance when doing IVF is higher than most with having a miscarriage)
5. Next we will implant 2 of the highest grade eggs in me. This does not mean we will for sure have 2 babies – it just gives us a higher chance of having one since they could very easily not implant.
6. After this we go home and we wait 2 weeks. We will then go back up for blood tests over a few day period to see if it worked.
If we go through all of these steps and it works, then we will be seeing ultra sounds and hearing a heartbeat VERY early. I will be considered very high risk and will be with Dr. Craig at the fertility clinic my first trimester. If I can make it past that, then we will still be high risk but we will be able to go back to my normal OBGYN.

If you are anything like us then reading this exhaust s you because the thought of all of this exhausts us. This is going to be a very emotionally, physically and mentally draining process not to mention crazy expensive and insurance won’t cover a thing!

I will say this though. We are SO very grateful that we have this option left. We know we are at the end of the road and this is it – the last chance – but we are so grateful for a knowledgeable doctor that specializes in making having a baby still a possibility.

This journey has been crazy. Two years of hopes and disappointments. We are ready for this step. We are ready to go all out and give it our best shot. Hopefully by the end of next year we will have a little baby that we have all been praying for.

Please keep praying friends, now more than ever. We are stressed to the max thinking about all of this and planning all of this. They basically sent us a calendar of our life that we have to follow the next 3 months and it is very intimidating.
It is in God’s hands. We have a peace that this is the step he wants us to take and we are just ready to see what happens. I love you friends and appreciate you all so much!

Trying something new

Time for an update again! I got blood drawn on Thursday and they said they wouldn't get it to my doctor until Monday. Well Friday I was surprised when I got the call with the results. Once again it didn't work. :(
Good news though - we are starting a new medicine. It is called Femara and it works a lot like Clomid. It is used to help ovulation. We are only trying 1 month of this and they called me in the highest dosage instead of gradually leading to it. I am a little nervous about the effect it will have on me being something new and being so strong but the good news is that since they got the results to me by Friday that I will be taking the medicine during Fall Break when I am off work. That is a huge relief!
I asked my nurse Bethney what happens if this doesn't work either. She said that we will be coming to have a visit with Dr. Craig to determine a game plan. Most likely the next step they usually recommend is injections. These are extremely expensive with lots of risks tagged along. Also it is time consuming - she said it would require us being up there in OKC every 3 days. My stress level went through the roof when I heard that considering now until the end of the year is my busiest time at work.
I talked to Bethney about my blood tests now being rejected by my insurance company because it is even being coded as fertility and she told me that getting that test done there - at the specialty fertility office - is $100 cheaper than here at JCMH! She is trying to find the closest DLO to see what they charge. Hopefully we can find something cheaper since it is having to be done every 4 weeks!
God has really been teaching Justin and I a lot through this. We are really learning about patience and about how waiting on God's timing makes situations so much better. Right now we are praying hard that this round of new medicine works, but if it isn't the right time, we are praying that God gives us the peace and answers to know what we need to do next. So many new decisions are coming if this round doesn't work and we want to make sure that we are right in the middle of God's will. We want a baby very bad, but we want to follow Christ more. Whatever He has planned for our lives, we will be grateful for.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue this very long journey. We do still have hope that good things are coming!

Catch up

Well it has been a while since I posted - just didn't really have the words to say. Last month we were pretty disappointed that we were in the same boat we have been in for such a long time. So let me catch you all up.

When we found out through the blood test that the medicine didn't work again the doctor went ahead and called in a higher dose that day. So we started the process over immediately instead of waiting the 2 more weeks like normal. The dosage made me go through a lot of hormonal changes which resulted in many bad days and unfortunately many bad moods. But I made it. I finished the last dose. I now go for my next blood test on Thursday October 7th.
I will be honest, I do not have high hopes of it working this month. The good news is that the doctor told me this is the last month she will try this medicine even though there is 1 more higher dose. She thinks if it doesn't work again then it isn't going to and she is ready to move on. We are ready to move on. If this dosage didn't make me ovulate then most likely they will start me with a high dose of another medicine (Femera). Sometimes people that do not respond to Clomid respond to this medicine. If it doesn't work the first month then we will be going and meeting with her to decide our plan of treatment. If both the Clomid and Femera fail to work, then we will have to go and consult about injectable or moving to IVF. We will be sitting down with her weighing the risks and cost of both and determining what may work best with the least amount of effect on my body. My body has been through the ringer, and it is tired. Losing those 2 weeks after the blood test is hard because I don't have a chance to get the medicine out of my system. But to be honest, I would rather just start the next dose instead of waiting for 2 weeks and dreading it starting back.

Justin is being very positive. I have lost a lot of faith but it really depends on which day it is and what medicine I took that day. It really affects my mood and makes me feel depressed and hopeless. He has been a rock. There are not words made to express how amazing and supportive he is in this process. I have to be a nightmare to live with and with the hot flashes I have been experiencing I know he must feel like he is living in an igloo! :) He has been quick to remind me of the goal and that God is faithful. He of course is more anxious every month and just as disappointed that it isn't working, but he is so compassionate about me having to go through the hormone treatments. I could not ask for a better partner in life - he is a constant reminder that God loves me so much and really does know what He is doing (even though it is easy to question that right now!!!)

So our journey continues. Please continue to keep our little family in your prayers. We struggle with patience and hope daily. Please pray for wisdom as we come closer to being in the position where we have to make bigger decisions. The advanced treatments scare us a bit but the vision of our baby is quick to calm those fears. We thank God daily for putting so many people in our life who not only love us but that are willing to pray on our behalf. God still answers prayers. 1 Samuel 1:27 says "I prayed for this child,and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." I believe in the power of prayer and I believe we serve a very faithful God!

Love you friends!

Same story

We got the results of the blood test today and unfortunately it didn't work....again. Please keep praying, even though it feels like God is not listening, I know He is.

Blood Test

Tomorrow I have to go give blood. Thankfully I get to do that here so we save a day of driving. They will be able to know tomorrow if the medicine worked (made me ovulate - not pregnant). We need prayer. I do not think we will get results until Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday) but I really need this test to give us good news. This was without a doubt the hardest month on both of us. The medicine made me absolutely miserable. So please pray, right now I am not sure if we are strong enough to hear the news that it didn't work....AGAIN.
Today I have not been able to stop thinking about all of this. Even though fertility consumes us on so many levels, a lot of the times I can be busy enough at work that I can turn it off as much as possible. Today that was impossible. All I kept thinking about is how if it didn't work that I don't think I can go through this again. I don't want to so bad. I have a quitter mentality today - which is not me at all - I am soooo hard headed (ask my husband!!!). Finally something snapped and instead of feeling sorry for me I had another thought.
I thought about our future baby. Sometimes I get so consumed with us and our problems that I forget the vision. I thought about how much we already love it. I thought about if it was to write us a note right now what would it say. This is what I think it would say:

Why are you crying? You spend a lot of time crying lately, please stop it because I hate being the reason you are sad. I don't need you to waste time feeling depressed or unhappy. I plan on coming when the time is right. Until then, I need you to be strong for each other. I need you to keep planning for me and all the things we will do together. Stop blaming yourself, it isn't about you. I need you to be happy and to have faith in God - because when you see me you will believe in miracles again. I am coming, at the most perfect time for me to come. You will not regret all the time, effort, and money you have put into trying to have me - I am worth it. God has already chosen me for you and I cannot wait to meet you either. Please be patient though, God hasn't finished preparing you for me.

Maybe it is just me trying to find something to give me peace. If so then I am ok with that. But I really do believe that maybe the reason we have went through all of this is because God still has a few more things to teach us before he entrusts us with another life. Of course I want to scream at Him to hurry up and do a quick lesson, but if by waiting and being patient and having faith will help us be better parents in the future, then it is hard to be anything other than thankful for this time.

Thank you for the prayers and patiences with me the past few weeks (if you were unlucky enough to deal with the emotional roller coster!) Please keep praying!

Hard week

I haven't updated since my appointment so I thought I would tonight.
It has been a very long and hard week. I took the strong hormone medicine this week and at first it really didn't affect me - I had energy and was actually sleeping. I thought maybe this was going to be the easiest yet. By Thursday it started kicking in and it hasn't stopped. I have been a complete emotional disaster this weekend. Rather it be easily annoyed, or crying uncontrollably - it has been miserable. I know the reality that in the long run this will be worth it and that I can't let short term struggles take away long term goals - but right now I am not in that mind set. Right now I just want to be done. It is miserable having these horrible hot flashes when it is 150 degrees outside. It is horrible finally being home and off work and all I can do is lay there and cry on my husband's shoulder for no reason. It is horrible that I don't want to talk to anyone because I know I am in a rude mood and it isn't their fault. After a weekend, I feel more exahusted than when it started - which makes for a long week.
Please pray for me this week. It is one thing to be like this on the weekend when I am at home but at work this week I need to make sure I still have professionalism and patience and that is so hard when I feel like this. I just want to be holed up in a room until this passes but that isn't the real world.
I will go for blood work on September 3rd and we will see if this dosage is the 'magic dose.' If so then we will be able to do insemination next month. Please pray that this dosage works - I am not sure how much higher of a dosage I can take.
Thank you for your prayers.