We have set up out appointment to see the Fertilty Specialist - I will now refer to her as Dr. Craig. She is booked up until August 3rd. We were wanting to take a break but I felt like we were giving up so I decided to go ahead and make an appt - and what do you know she was booked. So God KNEW how important a break was. All medication is finally out of my system. I am not 100 percent back to me because I am not on birth control and that really does help control my hormones - but I feel more like me that I have the past year. I am not emotional at the drop of a hat and I can wake up in the morning and feel like I did the night before. I have experienced so many strong mood changes that I cannot remember the last time I even felt this normal. My face is finally starting to slowly clear up a tad (still not great - birth control really fixes that) and now I have 2 months to maybe lose a little weight that has piled on the past year before the hormone injections start again and the weight follows. I had a few dark spots appear on my face while taking the clomid and they have disappeared too. It is crazy how much not only my moods and emotions changed, but how much my body has changed. It is like the journey has taken it's toll on me.
As of today it has been 458 Days -- or -- 65 Weeks and 3 Days since we started this journey. If someone would have told me then that this is what we would go through, I am not sure we would have started this. That doesn't mean we wouldn't want a child as much as we do now, it just would be hard to know what was going to happen and anticipate the pain and failure it has brought. I have found myself reading different infertility blogs (You can go here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/05/icomleavwe-june-2010/ and scroll down a tad to the June list. It links you to different inferility blogs) and seeing how normal my emotions are and how others are reacting. Some of the stuff I read makes me laugh because of how funny some of the situations can be, but some of the stuff just brings tears to my eyes because I can feel the pain the other person felt as they typed that blog.
I hope this baby that we are praying so hard for never has to struggle with the struggles we are having. Maybe they will be the one to grow up and find a cure for this so others won't struggle with it.
So here is to almost 2 months of time away from our fertility struggle. Yes it will still be very real and something we think about - but no painful procedures, not timed shots or other stuff, and no disappointing pregnancy tests.
Just time with my husband enjoying our summer!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Heartbroken
We had an appointment today. The last time we had been there she had warned us that it was our last shot with her. Knowing that didn't ease the blow today.
Today she told us that she was referring us to a specialist in the city. I asked if there was anything she could do that would be productive and not just putting my body through things because it is covered under insurance while with her. She said that I need to go to a specialist because they have the resources and ability to do more and at this point I need more than she can give. I lost it sitting right there in the doctors office. This is a game changing day.
This month equals a year of seeing a doctor about our problem - almost 15 months of trying to get pregnant. I always knew fertility specialists were out there, but I never thought we would have to go to them. To say we are both heart broken is an understatement. Today we feel defeated. We are so thankful that there are options out there. We are thankful for doctors that have knowledge solely in this and training in this that we can go to explore new options with. But we are sad.
Just thinking about all of the procedures and poking and prodding that will be done to my body scares me. I am dreading the emotional roller coaster that stronger hormones will put me through. We are both exhausted thinking about the process we are fixing to have to face and endure. Long drives to the city, missing work and having to juggle that, medication, he will have to give me hormone shots. All of these thing are on our mind and we know that it could still result in failure. How do you prepare for something like this?
All I keep thinking about is the face of a baby looking at me and me knowing that I loved it so much even before it was born that I decided I would go through anything to give it life. I sometimes lose that vision because it is so hard to see through tears and disappointment. Today is a day that the vision is blurry. Yea....today sucks. Tomorrow may suck. But I will wipe the tears away soon so that I can see that vision again, that sweet face of a baby. We can get through this. We will get through this. Together, we can get through anything.
Today she told us that she was referring us to a specialist in the city. I asked if there was anything she could do that would be productive and not just putting my body through things because it is covered under insurance while with her. She said that I need to go to a specialist because they have the resources and ability to do more and at this point I need more than she can give. I lost it sitting right there in the doctors office. This is a game changing day.
This month equals a year of seeing a doctor about our problem - almost 15 months of trying to get pregnant. I always knew fertility specialists were out there, but I never thought we would have to go to them. To say we are both heart broken is an understatement. Today we feel defeated. We are so thankful that there are options out there. We are thankful for doctors that have knowledge solely in this and training in this that we can go to explore new options with. But we are sad.
Just thinking about all of the procedures and poking and prodding that will be done to my body scares me. I am dreading the emotional roller coaster that stronger hormones will put me through. We are both exhausted thinking about the process we are fixing to have to face and endure. Long drives to the city, missing work and having to juggle that, medication, he will have to give me hormone shots. All of these thing are on our mind and we know that it could still result in failure. How do you prepare for something like this?
All I keep thinking about is the face of a baby looking at me and me knowing that I loved it so much even before it was born that I decided I would go through anything to give it life. I sometimes lose that vision because it is so hard to see through tears and disappointment. Today is a day that the vision is blurry. Yea....today sucks. Tomorrow may suck. But I will wipe the tears away soon so that I can see that vision again, that sweet face of a baby. We can get through this. We will get through this. Together, we can get through anything.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mother's Day
Sunday was hard. Sunday was a day that applauded the special people in our life that we call Mom. The ladies that are there with us from the beginning. I skipped church on Sunday because I knew the whole message would be about Mothers and I am not strong enough to sit there without crying. I watched it on TV and I heard him preach about the job that only a Mother can do. As I listened I just thought about how much I wanted that job. I was also mad while hearing it - that it is a job that is so important and I haven't got a chance at it. I wish it was a job that you could work hard for and get an education and apply and put in time and effort and then get it. But unfortunately it isn't a job like that. It is one that God chooses who he wants in that job because each job is so different because each child is different. I know in my heart there are lots of ways to be a mom, whether the traditional way, the adoptive way or just the motherly love you can give a child who is not yours but needs it. I am not there yet. I am not to the point that any job would fill in the void of my desire to be a mom the traditional way. I have found myself praying lately that God soften my heart and help prepare me for whatever journey he has planned for us. I get so frustrated as we watch the news or read stories about children who are unwanted and abused out there. How do people get the wonderful job of being a Mother and then do those kind of things? How do they not know the blessing that have been given? The blessing we so desperately want!
I am fighting anger today. Today I have the mindset of a child that doesn't get their way and doesn't understand why - they get angry and irrational. I will get over it and will get back to the point that I know God has a plan - because He does and His plan IS better than any plan I have. I am just so ready to know what His plan is! Please pray for patience, endurance, faith and that God softens my angry heart.
Also that next Mother's Day is a rejoicing time in our live!
I am fighting anger today. Today I have the mindset of a child that doesn't get their way and doesn't understand why - they get angry and irrational. I will get over it and will get back to the point that I know God has a plan - because He does and His plan IS better than any plan I have. I am just so ready to know what His plan is! Please pray for patience, endurance, faith and that God softens my angry heart.
Also that next Mother's Day is a rejoicing time in our live!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Trip
We booked a trip yesterday. We have been wanting to go on a trip for a while. We were always hesitant to book it because if we happened to get pregnant we wanted to wait and see how I felt. After 14 1/2 months of that mentality - we decided to forget that logic and just book it. We are very very excited to get away and go spend some time relaxing together. On the other hand though it is kind of sad. Part of me feels like we have given up on a child by doing this. It is one step towards that mentality that this isn't ever going to happen for us. We have so many plans for our lives and it all revolves around having a family. It is so crazy to wake up every day and remember that our bodies are broke and we can't have what other get to have. Growing up you always heard that life isn't fair but you don't know how hard that is to come to terms with when your dreams fall apart. Today is bad day - it is a sad day. We have this awesome vacation to look forward to but everytime I think of it I can't help but think about the failure we are facing.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What Faith Can Do
Music speaks to me - lyrics are an important thing in my life. I think that is just part of my enjoying writing and words. This song has encouraged me for a few months, but even though I know the words inside and out, there are still days that I have to play it to be reminded that God is in control AND that IS a good thing! Miracles are around us daily - we just have to be looking for them. I hope this blesses you no matter what you are going through in your life!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Lets try this again
I have not blogged in 6 months. It was a much needed and nice break. I am SO much stronger now and so is JR. I also finished my Maters in December so that has allowed me more time to be calm and collected. So I decided to start back. If for nothing else, it is nice going back through and reading the old ones to see where we came from and how much we have grown! We started all of this off being private, then we opened up to a few family members, and now we have included close friends. The reason for this is simple, we know the power of prayer and we know that when those that love us know we are struggling, they go before the almighty God on our behalf. We need that and if by opening up about our struggle makes that happen, then it is the least we can do.
Well from the last post I made not too much has changed. We have continued being aggressive in our attempt to have a baby. The last time I blogged was in October so since then we learned that the problem doesn't just lie with me, it is also JR. Guys are different from girls when it comes to this in the fact that there is not a whole lot can be done, we just have to learn how to manage it. Which we have with the help of our doctors.
Since the start of the year we have raised the dosage of the medication I am taking. It has caused me to be very emotional, or moody. I feel like I either cry at the drop of a hat or need to scream at the drop of the hat. I do not sleep well when taking it so I think the medication mixed with lack of sleep and hot flashes really makes for a different person. I would have to say after the disappointment of it all, that would have to be the worst part of it. I do not feel like me.
Last month I took the medication and I got for the first time since we started all this over a year ago, a positive ovulation test. You would have thought we were pregnant as excited as we were to see the smiling face on that ovulation test. The doctor did an exam that day (one I will not explain for your benefit!) and said it looked like our bodies were both working together. As exciting as that report was, I did not get pregnant or start my period the next month.
So we went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago - she said that we need to do an HSG (a dye test to check my uterus and Fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked and are working) and she gave me the higher dosage of medication one more time. She let us know that now matter the results of the test, if we are not pregnant this month then she has to refer us to a specialist in OKC. She said that she cannot give this medication out to me anymore because you cannot be on it longer than I have been. This was hard on all of us - JR, myself and our Doctor. We have been blessed to have a great doctor - she truly cares about us and has compassion for what we are going through. She is starting to feel as helpless as we feel.
So I had my dye test done last Wednesday. It was an experience to say the least. When I went back it was suppose to take 10 minutes, but they had another level of prep to do and then my doctor was running late. So over an hour later I come out and my husband is freaking out wondering if I was ok! The good news it, the test came back great, everything is working as it should. The Rad Tech told me that they hadn't done one of these tests in a long time but she had learned that it is a very therapeutic process for your tubes. She said it not only will clean them out, it will also help massage them into functioning how they should with some people. So that was very encouraging to hear.
So here we are. On month 13 about to start month 14 of this crazy cycle. As JR and I were laying in bed the other night I asked him what had he learned through all of this. His first response was that he now knows how the female reproductive system works better than most girls! Sadly, he is right and I am so blessed to have a man in my life that is there for me through everything, even if it is knowing about things in depth that he should have never had to know. But on the serious side, we both agreed that God has taught us patience. I for one am a very controlling person when it comes to my life. I like to have everything mapped out perfectly. Nothing works out perfectly though. I know that I have to let God lead us and that Faith in God includes Faith in His timing. We both agree that we have been one of the lucky couples that have grown closer through this process instead of growing apart. With all the hormone changes and all of the disappointments, it would have been easy to get discouraged from each other. But instead we are each others strength and best friend. JR told me last night that he knows now more than ever that we will be able to take care of each other no matter what comes along - cancer, disaster, anything. We are in this together forever no matter the hurdles.
So please pray my friends. Pray for God to bless us with a sweet child. Pray that we stay focused on God and not get too frustrated with our struggles. Pray that no matter what medical process we have to go through, that we have the emotional, mental and physical strength to overcome it. Pray that we grow so close to God that we will only be able to remember this journey as a blessing and not a struggle. Just Pray.
Here are a few quotes that have helped me during this - and I hope that they will bless you too. No matter what the level is, everyone is going through things and we all need encouragement. I pray that you allow me to be an encourager in your life as you all are to me.
"A man who is a master of patience is a master of everything else." -George Savile
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe
"Take joy in struggle for it is the route to strength."
"I think it's our weakness that reveals how great God is." -Max Lucado
"The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you."
I love you sweet friends and am so blessed and thankful for each of you in my life!
Well from the last post I made not too much has changed. We have continued being aggressive in our attempt to have a baby. The last time I blogged was in October so since then we learned that the problem doesn't just lie with me, it is also JR. Guys are different from girls when it comes to this in the fact that there is not a whole lot can be done, we just have to learn how to manage it. Which we have with the help of our doctors.
Since the start of the year we have raised the dosage of the medication I am taking. It has caused me to be very emotional, or moody. I feel like I either cry at the drop of a hat or need to scream at the drop of the hat. I do not sleep well when taking it so I think the medication mixed with lack of sleep and hot flashes really makes for a different person. I would have to say after the disappointment of it all, that would have to be the worst part of it. I do not feel like me.
Last month I took the medication and I got for the first time since we started all this over a year ago, a positive ovulation test. You would have thought we were pregnant as excited as we were to see the smiling face on that ovulation test. The doctor did an exam that day (one I will not explain for your benefit!) and said it looked like our bodies were both working together. As exciting as that report was, I did not get pregnant or start my period the next month.
So we went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago - she said that we need to do an HSG (a dye test to check my uterus and Fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked and are working) and she gave me the higher dosage of medication one more time. She let us know that now matter the results of the test, if we are not pregnant this month then she has to refer us to a specialist in OKC. She said that she cannot give this medication out to me anymore because you cannot be on it longer than I have been. This was hard on all of us - JR, myself and our Doctor. We have been blessed to have a great doctor - she truly cares about us and has compassion for what we are going through. She is starting to feel as helpless as we feel.
So I had my dye test done last Wednesday. It was an experience to say the least. When I went back it was suppose to take 10 minutes, but they had another level of prep to do and then my doctor was running late. So over an hour later I come out and my husband is freaking out wondering if I was ok! The good news it, the test came back great, everything is working as it should. The Rad Tech told me that they hadn't done one of these tests in a long time but she had learned that it is a very therapeutic process for your tubes. She said it not only will clean them out, it will also help massage them into functioning how they should with some people. So that was very encouraging to hear.
So here we are. On month 13 about to start month 14 of this crazy cycle. As JR and I were laying in bed the other night I asked him what had he learned through all of this. His first response was that he now knows how the female reproductive system works better than most girls! Sadly, he is right and I am so blessed to have a man in my life that is there for me through everything, even if it is knowing about things in depth that he should have never had to know. But on the serious side, we both agreed that God has taught us patience. I for one am a very controlling person when it comes to my life. I like to have everything mapped out perfectly. Nothing works out perfectly though. I know that I have to let God lead us and that Faith in God includes Faith in His timing. We both agree that we have been one of the lucky couples that have grown closer through this process instead of growing apart. With all the hormone changes and all of the disappointments, it would have been easy to get discouraged from each other. But instead we are each others strength and best friend. JR told me last night that he knows now more than ever that we will be able to take care of each other no matter what comes along - cancer, disaster, anything. We are in this together forever no matter the hurdles.
So please pray my friends. Pray for God to bless us with a sweet child. Pray that we stay focused on God and not get too frustrated with our struggles. Pray that no matter what medical process we have to go through, that we have the emotional, mental and physical strength to overcome it. Pray that we grow so close to God that we will only be able to remember this journey as a blessing and not a struggle. Just Pray.
Here are a few quotes that have helped me during this - and I hope that they will bless you too. No matter what the level is, everyone is going through things and we all need encouragement. I pray that you allow me to be an encourager in your life as you all are to me.
"A man who is a master of patience is a master of everything else." -George Savile
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe
"Take joy in struggle for it is the route to strength."
"I think it's our weakness that reveals how great God is." -Max Lucado
"The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you."
I love you sweet friends and am so blessed and thankful for each of you in my life!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bye for now
Ok well this was a good idea to begin with. I thought blogging about our situation was theraputic but it turned out that I think it makes it harder. I am going to stop writing about this process - and yes it is still an ongoing process. I would just ask that you keep praying because we need patience and faith. I just do not want to talk about this anymore. It becomes draining emotionally and it makes it hard to just be functional every day. When we get pregnant - and yes I do have faith we will eventually - I will continue this blog about that process. Justin and I just need time now. Time together during this process without anything else. I love all of you that read this very much. You have encouraged me so much during this process and I appreciate you each very much. But now I need to not talk about it for my sake. This is harder than I would have ever imagined. I don't think anyone realizes it until it happens and you go through it. My heart breaks for those who have went through this and are going through it. It is very defeating and it makes you feel at lose and hopeless. So please just keep praying. We both need that more than anything else. God is in control, we just need to be still and wait for Him. Thank you for being such wonderful friends to us!
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