Bye for now

Ok well this was a good idea to begin with. I thought blogging about our situation was theraputic but it turned out that I think it makes it harder. I am going to stop writing about this process - and yes it is still an ongoing process. I would just ask that you keep praying because we need patience and faith. I just do not want to talk about this anymore. It becomes draining emotionally and it makes it hard to just be functional every day. When we get pregnant - and yes I do have faith we will eventually - I will continue this blog about that process. Justin and I just need time now. Time together during this process without anything else. I love all of you that read this very much. You have encouraged me so much during this process and I appreciate you each very much. But now I need to not talk about it for my sake. This is harder than I would have ever imagined. I don't think anyone realizes it until it happens and you go through it. My heart breaks for those who have went through this and are going through it. It is very defeating and it makes you feel at lose and hopeless. So please just keep praying. We both need that more than anything else. God is in control, we just need to be still and wait for Him. Thank you for being such wonderful friends to us!

Update

I went to the dr yesterday (8/24/09). I still hadn't started my period.
My dr. had to do a pregnancy test before she can start me on medicine. They had ran out of tests so I had to go get a blood test done. :(
It came back negative of course and so she put me on medicine.
The 1st medicine is Provera. This is what I took last time. It will start my period. I take it for 10 days.
Then she gave me Clomid. I take this day 5-9 of my period and it should make me ovulate.
Also she is having me chart my temp with a basal body thermometer, and also chart when we have intercourse. I know what you are thinking and yes I agree it is awkward! Here is the worst part - we go back in 6 weeks to 'review the chart' with her.
I hate that this is what we are having to go through, but I am thankful that technology and medicine have come so far that this is an option. I am glad that we are doing something about our problem and the possibilty of it working is there.
We serve a big God and I know that He has all of this in His hands. I am just really having to learn to have patience.
Please pray for my hormones. They have been going crazy lately and I know this medicine will just make them do more. I have been going from depressed to sad to happy in an hour span. I am having hot flashes, headaches and cramps bad too. Just pray I can live normally until we figure all of this out!
Thank you guys!!!

Just me

I have been feeling very funky lately. I have NOT been feeling like myself at all. I know this has to be hormones. I am not doing the usual range of emotions you get when you are hormonal, instead I am sticking on the crabby side. I am just feeling at a loss. I think it is a hint of depression in a weird form. I am not unhappy with my life, just feeling so sad that it makes things not as good. I finally have a break for a few weeks from school and I can't find the 'want to' to do much. I feel like I just sit here in a daze - no emotion at all - a lot of the time lately. It is weird and I do not really know how to explain it. Of course my mind has wondered if it was because I was pregnant, but I am not so I do not know what it is. I wish my appointment was sooner so I could get answers from my doctor, but with the crazy work weeks coming up there is no way I can go any sooner. So now it is a waiting game. One more thing I have no control at all over and not only do I not have control over it, it has control over me and every area of my life. Yes I am frustrated. But moreso I am just sad. I can be nice and friendly but really deep down I want to get things done, come home and just be alone. Alone with my thoughts and not dumping my negative energy on others. I just can't shake this feeling. So that is where I am at right now. Not much to write about. Not much creativity here. Just boring me, not pregnant, not having periods, not able to have a range of emotion. Nothing. Just me. But not the me I want to be.

Maybe?

I have been having weird pains. It is kind of like PMS cramps, but more shooting pains. Since I am on day 41 since my last period (medication induce) I thought I may should go ahead and take a pregnancy test. Yes I am 99.9 percent sure it is false. But my thoughts wonder so I go ahead and take one. For the LONG 3 minutes I sit there thinking. My mind can't help but wonder about the what ifs. What if it is positive. What if this is one of those life changing moments for JR and I. What if we have just began the journey and adventure of a lifetime. I look at the clock, 1 minute has passed. Then I think, what if it is positive, when will that make me due? I have missed prenatal vitamins the past few weeks (Dr. told me to start taking them daily) so what if I have really messed up. I look at the clock, 1 minute to go. Then I think about the past 5 months. I have taken a test every month just to make sure (I never want to be like one of those girls that didn't know they were pregnant until they went into labor!). I remember every time getting the butterflies in my tummy before I look at the test. I know that I am about to know an answer one way or another and this represents another month of our lives. I look at the clock. It has been 3 minutes. I am dying to know, but to scared to look. I am a pessimist so I am planning on the worst while screaming inside for it to please be positive.
JR looks.
It is negative.
His sensitive heart breaks for me because even though I take the negative front that I KNOW I am not pregnant before I even take the test, he knows that deep down I am thinking just maybe there is a chance. I put the test in the wrapper and throw it away. Another month down.
I give my sweet husband a long hug and he wipes a tear from my face as he reminds me that it is God's timing not ours and it will happen when and how it is suppose to.
There is always next month.
Next month is not to far away.
Yea, maybe, just maybe, it will happen next month...

Here we go

Where do I start?
Well first off I decided to create a seperate blog from our everyday one. Why? Well because this journey is not publically known and we are not ready for that. Also we want to keep blogging about our everyday fun as we are facing this hard time.
What hard time am I talking about? Well here is our story....
After talking about it a lot and making plans together, Justin Ray (from here on out I will just say JR even though I like Justin so much better) and I decided to start trying to have a baby of our own starting in March. Yes we are only on month 5 but have ran into some female problems and since it has been wearing on my mind and my heart I decided I needed to have an outlet of that emotion so that I can stay sane. My outlet has always been either writing or talking with close friends and getting encouragement. Blogging is the best way to combine the two. I am only going to share this with a select few of you guys, so know that if you are reading this, you are someone whom I know will encourage and I want to tell you first off how much I appreciate that and your friendship. Some of this may get a little personal, but that is how I write and JR will always read this before it is published. He has encouraged me to do this because he knows that support from my friends means so much.
So here is the journey so far...
I have been on birth control on and off since I was 15 years old. I have never had regular periods. I was on BC consistantly for the past 4 years. We discussed when would be the best time for me to go off of it to start trying to have a baby so we planned it for March because if we got pregnant right off the bat, I would be finished with my Masters and that was something important to me. Just a brief note, Justin will not be done with his bachelors until May and this has brought on many talks between him and I, but he is ready for a baby now as well and since his school is all online, he didn't want to wait until he was done because he knows he can handle both since it would be for a very short period.
Before getting on BC my periods were about 6 months apart and would last up to 6 weeks. I had many cysts on my ovaries and even was scheduled to get one lasered until it ruptured the day before surgery. Hence the reason I started BC. So after my cycle in Feburary I ditched the pills. So the first month off I didn't have a period, and that wasn't to unnatural. I expected it. April rolls around and I didn't have one then either. A little frustrated but we kept trying. May rolls arounds and Nothing happens again so we call the doctor since you are suppose to go if you don't get your period back within 3 months.
So I go see my wonderful doctor in Lawton. I have been going to her since I was a 15 and feel very comfortable with her and with the fact that she knows my history. She decided that she wanted to go ahead and get my perod started so she gave me Provera. It is a 10 day pill that basically makes you bleed. I took it for 10 days and I had a period. I never thought I would be so excited about starting my period!
Well I had to go back to her about 6 weeks later and that is the appt that I had last week. I still haven't started my next period. She did a regular pap to make sure things were ok (2nd in 2 months!) and wants to see me back in a month. She wants to give it a bit more time to see if I will start and to make sure the pap comes back normal.
She sat down with me the first time I went and told me that she is not saying this will not happen fast because she has seen cases where it does, but that I need to get ready for a possible long road. With my history with ovulation, this may just be a long process. As hard as that is to hear for someone like me who has 'a plan,' I knew deep down that reality before this started.
This time she told me what my next step is when I go back in a month.
Basically she is going to start my period again with the same medicine, but also have me take some ovulation medicine to go with it. These are medications I can take for a few months and if they do not work, you have to take a break for a little while before trying it again.
So here is my thoughts and emotions on this verdict thus far:
As positive as that could be, I am crushed. I am a planned person. I want control of things that affect my everyday life to the T. In my head I wanted to finish my bachelors, get a career job going, get engaged and then married, be married for a year, then have a baby 9 months later. I haven't left room or problems. I feel like I have done everything right and deserve to have things my way. I feel like a failure because it is my body holding us back from being on that plan. I am so sad that I am having to take medication to help this process. I feel broken. I feel stressed. I think of the worst case senarios - like what if we do In Vitro - insurance doesn't cover that stuff and I will not do it until we can pay for it with cash because I hate debt. I think about what if we are not able to have children, do we adopt? I know these are things that are way premature, but this is what fills my mind right now.
Since we have been trying the past 5 months, I have obviously been in baby mode. I have had to walk through the baby section at every store, I have looked online at nursery ideas, I have started cleaning and organizing the room I want to use for the baby. We started a baby savings account so that when we do get pregnant, that I have the money to buy what I want for the nursery and all the clothes I want. We started buying bxes of wipes every walmart trip to have them stored up since they are sealed and can last. Just anything that make sme feel coser to that goal.
I feel like a whinner because 5 months isn't long to try. I know that. But 5 months with no ovulation so no possibility for getting pregnant changes that. It is like we haven't even began trying even after all we have been through.
So what am I looking for by spilling this all out? I know you guys don't have the answers, I know that. I know that patience is a virtue I don't have and that God has this all planned on His timing and I know His timing is worth the wait. I just need to get some of this out. I am bad about bottling it up and then it wearing me down. I want to stay strong and stay positive for JR and myself through this and right now I am weak. I have my beautiful nephews over and just look at them with tears in my eyes knowing that I want that so bad and whether or not we will get to have that isn't in my control.
So thank you for reading this sweet friends and for being in my life. Please respect our privacy by allowing us the right to share this blog with whom we want. I love you all!!!