Sunday was hard. Sunday was a day that applauded the special people in our life that we call Mom. The ladies that are there with us from the beginning. I skipped church on Sunday because I knew the whole message would be about Mothers and I am not strong enough to sit there without crying. I watched it on TV and I heard him preach about the job that only a Mother can do. As I listened I just thought about how much I wanted that job. I was also mad while hearing it - that it is a job that is so important and I haven't got a chance at it. I wish it was a job that you could work hard for and get an education and apply and put in time and effort and then get it. But unfortunately it isn't a job like that. It is one that God chooses who he wants in that job because each job is so different because each child is different. I know in my heart there are lots of ways to be a mom, whether the traditional way, the adoptive way or just the motherly love you can give a child who is not yours but needs it. I am not there yet. I am not to the point that any job would fill in the void of my desire to be a mom the traditional way. I have found myself praying lately that God soften my heart and help prepare me for whatever journey he has planned for us. I get so frustrated as we watch the news or read stories about children who are unwanted and abused out there. How do people get the wonderful job of being a Mother and then do those kind of things? How do they not know the blessing that have been given? The blessing we so desperately want!
I am fighting anger today. Today I have the mindset of a child that doesn't get their way and doesn't understand why - they get angry and irrational. I will get over it and will get back to the point that I know God has a plan - because He does and His plan IS better than any plan I have. I am just so ready to know what His plan is! Please pray for patience, endurance, faith and that God softens my angry heart.
Also that next Mother's Day is a rejoicing time in our live!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Trip
We booked a trip yesterday. We have been wanting to go on a trip for a while. We were always hesitant to book it because if we happened to get pregnant we wanted to wait and see how I felt. After 14 1/2 months of that mentality - we decided to forget that logic and just book it. We are very very excited to get away and go spend some time relaxing together. On the other hand though it is kind of sad. Part of me feels like we have given up on a child by doing this. It is one step towards that mentality that this isn't ever going to happen for us. We have so many plans for our lives and it all revolves around having a family. It is so crazy to wake up every day and remember that our bodies are broke and we can't have what other get to have. Growing up you always heard that life isn't fair but you don't know how hard that is to come to terms with when your dreams fall apart. Today is bad day - it is a sad day. We have this awesome vacation to look forward to but everytime I think of it I can't help but think about the failure we are facing.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What Faith Can Do
Music speaks to me - lyrics are an important thing in my life. I think that is just part of my enjoying writing and words. This song has encouraged me for a few months, but even though I know the words inside and out, there are still days that I have to play it to be reminded that God is in control AND that IS a good thing! Miracles are around us daily - we just have to be looking for them. I hope this blesses you no matter what you are going through in your life!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Lets try this again
I have not blogged in 6 months. It was a much needed and nice break. I am SO much stronger now and so is JR. I also finished my Maters in December so that has allowed me more time to be calm and collected. So I decided to start back. If for nothing else, it is nice going back through and reading the old ones to see where we came from and how much we have grown! We started all of this off being private, then we opened up to a few family members, and now we have included close friends. The reason for this is simple, we know the power of prayer and we know that when those that love us know we are struggling, they go before the almighty God on our behalf. We need that and if by opening up about our struggle makes that happen, then it is the least we can do.
Well from the last post I made not too much has changed. We have continued being aggressive in our attempt to have a baby. The last time I blogged was in October so since then we learned that the problem doesn't just lie with me, it is also JR. Guys are different from girls when it comes to this in the fact that there is not a whole lot can be done, we just have to learn how to manage it. Which we have with the help of our doctors.
Since the start of the year we have raised the dosage of the medication I am taking. It has caused me to be very emotional, or moody. I feel like I either cry at the drop of a hat or need to scream at the drop of the hat. I do not sleep well when taking it so I think the medication mixed with lack of sleep and hot flashes really makes for a different person. I would have to say after the disappointment of it all, that would have to be the worst part of it. I do not feel like me.
Last month I took the medication and I got for the first time since we started all this over a year ago, a positive ovulation test. You would have thought we were pregnant as excited as we were to see the smiling face on that ovulation test. The doctor did an exam that day (one I will not explain for your benefit!) and said it looked like our bodies were both working together. As exciting as that report was, I did not get pregnant or start my period the next month.
So we went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago - she said that we need to do an HSG (a dye test to check my uterus and Fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked and are working) and she gave me the higher dosage of medication one more time. She let us know that now matter the results of the test, if we are not pregnant this month then she has to refer us to a specialist in OKC. She said that she cannot give this medication out to me anymore because you cannot be on it longer than I have been. This was hard on all of us - JR, myself and our Doctor. We have been blessed to have a great doctor - she truly cares about us and has compassion for what we are going through. She is starting to feel as helpless as we feel.
So I had my dye test done last Wednesday. It was an experience to say the least. When I went back it was suppose to take 10 minutes, but they had another level of prep to do and then my doctor was running late. So over an hour later I come out and my husband is freaking out wondering if I was ok! The good news it, the test came back great, everything is working as it should. The Rad Tech told me that they hadn't done one of these tests in a long time but she had learned that it is a very therapeutic process for your tubes. She said it not only will clean them out, it will also help massage them into functioning how they should with some people. So that was very encouraging to hear.
So here we are. On month 13 about to start month 14 of this crazy cycle. As JR and I were laying in bed the other night I asked him what had he learned through all of this. His first response was that he now knows how the female reproductive system works better than most girls! Sadly, he is right and I am so blessed to have a man in my life that is there for me through everything, even if it is knowing about things in depth that he should have never had to know. But on the serious side, we both agreed that God has taught us patience. I for one am a very controlling person when it comes to my life. I like to have everything mapped out perfectly. Nothing works out perfectly though. I know that I have to let God lead us and that Faith in God includes Faith in His timing. We both agree that we have been one of the lucky couples that have grown closer through this process instead of growing apart. With all the hormone changes and all of the disappointments, it would have been easy to get discouraged from each other. But instead we are each others strength and best friend. JR told me last night that he knows now more than ever that we will be able to take care of each other no matter what comes along - cancer, disaster, anything. We are in this together forever no matter the hurdles.
So please pray my friends. Pray for God to bless us with a sweet child. Pray that we stay focused on God and not get too frustrated with our struggles. Pray that no matter what medical process we have to go through, that we have the emotional, mental and physical strength to overcome it. Pray that we grow so close to God that we will only be able to remember this journey as a blessing and not a struggle. Just Pray.
Here are a few quotes that have helped me during this - and I hope that they will bless you too. No matter what the level is, everyone is going through things and we all need encouragement. I pray that you allow me to be an encourager in your life as you all are to me.
"A man who is a master of patience is a master of everything else." -George Savile
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe
"Take joy in struggle for it is the route to strength."
"I think it's our weakness that reveals how great God is." -Max Lucado
"The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you."
I love you sweet friends and am so blessed and thankful for each of you in my life!
Well from the last post I made not too much has changed. We have continued being aggressive in our attempt to have a baby. The last time I blogged was in October so since then we learned that the problem doesn't just lie with me, it is also JR. Guys are different from girls when it comes to this in the fact that there is not a whole lot can be done, we just have to learn how to manage it. Which we have with the help of our doctors.
Since the start of the year we have raised the dosage of the medication I am taking. It has caused me to be very emotional, or moody. I feel like I either cry at the drop of a hat or need to scream at the drop of the hat. I do not sleep well when taking it so I think the medication mixed with lack of sleep and hot flashes really makes for a different person. I would have to say after the disappointment of it all, that would have to be the worst part of it. I do not feel like me.
Last month I took the medication and I got for the first time since we started all this over a year ago, a positive ovulation test. You would have thought we were pregnant as excited as we were to see the smiling face on that ovulation test. The doctor did an exam that day (one I will not explain for your benefit!) and said it looked like our bodies were both working together. As exciting as that report was, I did not get pregnant or start my period the next month.
So we went to the doctor about 3 weeks ago - she said that we need to do an HSG (a dye test to check my uterus and Fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked and are working) and she gave me the higher dosage of medication one more time. She let us know that now matter the results of the test, if we are not pregnant this month then she has to refer us to a specialist in OKC. She said that she cannot give this medication out to me anymore because you cannot be on it longer than I have been. This was hard on all of us - JR, myself and our Doctor. We have been blessed to have a great doctor - she truly cares about us and has compassion for what we are going through. She is starting to feel as helpless as we feel.
So I had my dye test done last Wednesday. It was an experience to say the least. When I went back it was suppose to take 10 minutes, but they had another level of prep to do and then my doctor was running late. So over an hour later I come out and my husband is freaking out wondering if I was ok! The good news it, the test came back great, everything is working as it should. The Rad Tech told me that they hadn't done one of these tests in a long time but she had learned that it is a very therapeutic process for your tubes. She said it not only will clean them out, it will also help massage them into functioning how they should with some people. So that was very encouraging to hear.
So here we are. On month 13 about to start month 14 of this crazy cycle. As JR and I were laying in bed the other night I asked him what had he learned through all of this. His first response was that he now knows how the female reproductive system works better than most girls! Sadly, he is right and I am so blessed to have a man in my life that is there for me through everything, even if it is knowing about things in depth that he should have never had to know. But on the serious side, we both agreed that God has taught us patience. I for one am a very controlling person when it comes to my life. I like to have everything mapped out perfectly. Nothing works out perfectly though. I know that I have to let God lead us and that Faith in God includes Faith in His timing. We both agree that we have been one of the lucky couples that have grown closer through this process instead of growing apart. With all the hormone changes and all of the disappointments, it would have been easy to get discouraged from each other. But instead we are each others strength and best friend. JR told me last night that he knows now more than ever that we will be able to take care of each other no matter what comes along - cancer, disaster, anything. We are in this together forever no matter the hurdles.
So please pray my friends. Pray for God to bless us with a sweet child. Pray that we stay focused on God and not get too frustrated with our struggles. Pray that no matter what medical process we have to go through, that we have the emotional, mental and physical strength to overcome it. Pray that we grow so close to God that we will only be able to remember this journey as a blessing and not a struggle. Just Pray.
Here are a few quotes that have helped me during this - and I hope that they will bless you too. No matter what the level is, everyone is going through things and we all need encouragement. I pray that you allow me to be an encourager in your life as you all are to me.
"A man who is a master of patience is a master of everything else." -George Savile
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe
"Take joy in struggle for it is the route to strength."
"I think it's our weakness that reveals how great God is." -Max Lucado
"The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you."
I love you sweet friends and am so blessed and thankful for each of you in my life!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bye for now
Ok well this was a good idea to begin with. I thought blogging about our situation was theraputic but it turned out that I think it makes it harder. I am going to stop writing about this process - and yes it is still an ongoing process. I would just ask that you keep praying because we need patience and faith. I just do not want to talk about this anymore. It becomes draining emotionally and it makes it hard to just be functional every day. When we get pregnant - and yes I do have faith we will eventually - I will continue this blog about that process. Justin and I just need time now. Time together during this process without anything else. I love all of you that read this very much. You have encouraged me so much during this process and I appreciate you each very much. But now I need to not talk about it for my sake. This is harder than I would have ever imagined. I don't think anyone realizes it until it happens and you go through it. My heart breaks for those who have went through this and are going through it. It is very defeating and it makes you feel at lose and hopeless. So please just keep praying. We both need that more than anything else. God is in control, we just need to be still and wait for Him. Thank you for being such wonderful friends to us!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Update
I went to the dr yesterday (8/24/09). I still hadn't started my period.
My dr. had to do a pregnancy test before she can start me on medicine. They had ran out of tests so I had to go get a blood test done. :(
It came back negative of course and so she put me on medicine.
The 1st medicine is Provera. This is what I took last time. It will start my period. I take it for 10 days.
Then she gave me Clomid. I take this day 5-9 of my period and it should make me ovulate.
Also she is having me chart my temp with a basal body thermometer, and also chart when we have intercourse. I know what you are thinking and yes I agree it is awkward! Here is the worst part - we go back in 6 weeks to 'review the chart' with her.
I hate that this is what we are having to go through, but I am thankful that technology and medicine have come so far that this is an option. I am glad that we are doing something about our problem and the possibilty of it working is there.
We serve a big God and I know that He has all of this in His hands. I am just really having to learn to have patience.
Please pray for my hormones. They have been going crazy lately and I know this medicine will just make them do more. I have been going from depressed to sad to happy in an hour span. I am having hot flashes, headaches and cramps bad too. Just pray I can live normally until we figure all of this out!
Thank you guys!!!
My dr. had to do a pregnancy test before she can start me on medicine. They had ran out of tests so I had to go get a blood test done. :(
It came back negative of course and so she put me on medicine.
The 1st medicine is Provera. This is what I took last time. It will start my period. I take it for 10 days.
Then she gave me Clomid. I take this day 5-9 of my period and it should make me ovulate.
Also she is having me chart my temp with a basal body thermometer, and also chart when we have intercourse. I know what you are thinking and yes I agree it is awkward! Here is the worst part - we go back in 6 weeks to 'review the chart' with her.
I hate that this is what we are having to go through, but I am thankful that technology and medicine have come so far that this is an option. I am glad that we are doing something about our problem and the possibilty of it working is there.
We serve a big God and I know that He has all of this in His hands. I am just really having to learn to have patience.
Please pray for my hormones. They have been going crazy lately and I know this medicine will just make them do more. I have been going from depressed to sad to happy in an hour span. I am having hot flashes, headaches and cramps bad too. Just pray I can live normally until we figure all of this out!
Thank you guys!!!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Just me
I have been feeling very funky lately. I have NOT been feeling like myself at all. I know this has to be hormones. I am not doing the usual range of emotions you get when you are hormonal, instead I am sticking on the crabby side. I am just feeling at a loss. I think it is a hint of depression in a weird form. I am not unhappy with my life, just feeling so sad that it makes things not as good. I finally have a break for a few weeks from school and I can't find the 'want to' to do much. I feel like I just sit here in a daze - no emotion at all - a lot of the time lately. It is weird and I do not really know how to explain it. Of course my mind has wondered if it was because I was pregnant, but I am not so I do not know what it is. I wish my appointment was sooner so I could get answers from my doctor, but with the crazy work weeks coming up there is no way I can go any sooner. So now it is a waiting game. One more thing I have no control at all over and not only do I not have control over it, it has control over me and every area of my life. Yes I am frustrated. But moreso I am just sad. I can be nice and friendly but really deep down I want to get things done, come home and just be alone. Alone with my thoughts and not dumping my negative energy on others. I just can't shake this feeling. So that is where I am at right now. Not much to write about. Not much creativity here. Just boring me, not pregnant, not having periods, not able to have a range of emotion. Nothing. Just me. But not the me I want to be.
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